Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Spilling the Beans

Well today was a good day, I have taken another step in my journey to uncover and deal with deep feelings of bitterness, hurt, and confusion. I went to see a spiritual counselor. I went in not knowing exactly what to expect or how things would go. I have to say it was great. I look forward to what lies ahead in the future. One of the things that came out today that I am pondering, and merits much thought, prayer and reflection was the fact that in all my "suffering" I never stopped to think about how Jesus dealt with his suffering, and how he feels about the things that have gone on. I never stopped to consider what was in me that I could allow God to work on, I was just focused on the fact that I was wronged and did nothing to deserve it. Also I am a person that doesn't like to get beat or seem weak, and am very focused on accomplishments. When I look at Jesus he went through the worst of back stabbing, gossip, conspiracy, persecution, and definitely didn't seem to "win" as I would define or see it. Yet he went through what was laid before him with great strength. The question for me and all of us is may be what does it look like to win, to go through trials with strength that is Christ like? How was he able to cope with the situations he faced. (yeah I know he was God) Maybe what I have perceived as strength isn't strength at all. Maybe being right or being treated fairly isn't always best. Maybe our reactions and actions is what matters most in all situations. Maybe I should spend more time worrying about what is in me instead of others. Jesus after all had more of a reason to stop and focus on what was wrong with all those who were putting him through the hell he went through, instead he seemed much more focused on how to respond with goodness and Godliness. It is very easy to worry about or blame others, than to focus on ourselves. So much has been stirred up in me. I am anxious about what God will reveal, in my life. And I pray that it isn't for my good only, but so that I will be more like Jesus and as in 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 says to more reflect him. Here's to the journey.


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